To My Best Friend Who's in Heaven

I really never thought the day would come that I have to live without you. That I would sit there in an open space alone, with my head up wondering if you're there watching me. What am I suppose to do? Am I really have to hold into your memories and move forward without you?

These are just few questions I wanted to talk with you. Because you know what? I was never prepared for this moment, and no matter what I know I will never be. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to someone who had meant so much to me. I mean, who in the entire world is ever ready?

I always remind myself that you are not meant here, you're meant to be with Him. You were too good for this world. But even though I've been telling this to myself plenty of times, it doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't make the pain less hurting.

Because I wasn't prepared to wake up in the morning and feel the pang in my chest as I realized you were no longer in my life. I was never ready to face the world without you, without your encouragement or love pushing me forward. I was never prepared to be unable to casually say your name in a sentence, as if you could still be discussed in the present tense when, in fact, you are now in the past. I was never prepared to face the fact that I can't call you when I need you, or that I can't leave a rambling voicemail when all I want is to be heard. I was never prepared to lose all of your love for me, especially since I haven't lost my love for you.

I was never ready to let go of someone who had once made my life or me better. I was never truly prepared to say goodbye to someone with whom I thought I had a forever relationship. I was never ready to let go of your hug, your warm, comforting hand around my shoulder, or the way you could always reassure me that everything would be fine.

I have so much left to say to you, do you know that? I really wish that at the end of a tiring day I could sit in your couch and talk about anything. About how my day went, how I hated my food, how annoying my classmate is or how tired I was. How could you leave me like that when you promised you'll be my best friend forever? You got me remember? So why did you leave?

Losing a best friend forces you to mature, but how am I supposed to mature when I don't have my best friend to hold me up, to guide me, to help me? I think about how you won't be there for my graduation (if it ever happens), or coaching me through my interviews, or clapping me on my writing and achievements. I think about how you won't be there for any other pain or loss I'm sure to experience. I think about it every day, all day. With whom shall I gonna say these things that keep running in my head? With whom shall I rant when life gets tough? With whom shall I laugh when something's funny? With whom shall I celebrate if I achieve my dreams?

I didn't know grief could be this agonizing. There are no “right words” that will truly suffice in a time of such pain and heartbreak. You're gone, and as if a part of me has left with you. I was never ready to be alone.

I really wish there's a visiting hours in heaven. I would trade everything to have even a minute with you. I often wonder what I'd say to you if I could see you one more time. Then I think, I will simply hug you and tell you how much I miss you. How much I love you with every bit of my being. I'd tell you how my life would be much better with you in it.

I love you. And I will continue to sit on the open space and look above thinking you are looking at me too. I will try my hardest to smile at you. I will never forget you. Because even though your death caused me pain, our good memories sustained me.

I can't wait to see and be with you again. Just like the old days.

The good old days.